Welcome to Wildcat Love: Penn Cancro’s Relationship Column


Happy Valentine’s Day Wildcats!

Do you have a question too steamy for you advisor or dorm parents? Well, if you do, I want to hear it. Simply send it to The Wllistonian’s email address or put a note on Mr. Liebowitz’s desk and we will anonymously toss your burning question to be answered in Wildcat Love, The Willistonian’s newest relationship advice column.

I’m Penn, and together we’ll go on a journey of self-inquiry, introspection, and enlightenment, coming out with a hard pressed and precise diamond of a relationship, after having turned up the heat and put on the pressure.

For the inaugural column, I’m going to address the basic do’s and don’ts of a Williston relationship.

Starter do’s and don’ts:

Don’t order carnations. Do purchase balloons from the campus store. In this day and age of sustainability your lover will appreciate an unsustainable gift that will last longer than the earth, signifying your eternal love for one another.

Do not go to their sporting event if it is below the varsity level until at least 19.5 weeks (4.5 months) in. You do NOT want to be the only fan in attendance, because then you will need to cheer for not only your beloved but the whole team out of obligation to Wildcat nation. If your interest is playing on the varsity level, you may attend their game/match/event immediately.

Don’t go to the dining hall and sit at the small square tables with them. Everyone will know that you two have given up on keeping other friends and want to be left alone to talk about relationship things like whose dorm room you’re going to this weekend and which dorm parent on duty is more chill. No one will want to sit in on that conversation.

Do go to Dunkin’ with them, but only once it is dark, for daytime Dunkin’ runs mean you are just friends. If you go during the day one of you might think you are engaged to be married by Mr. Hill at Commencement, while the other might have just not wanted to walk alone. Going at night assures that both parties know that you’re not really going for the Dunkin’.

Don’t snuggle in Reed. No one wants to see that. And if someone did want to see it, would you want them to see? I think not. Also, you’re just trying to make security uncomfortable, they don’t want to have to deal with horny teenagers when there are real problems like stalking the cars on the quad and perusing the day student lot for diagonally-parked cars

That’s all for the do’s and don’ts this week. Check back for more in our next article.

Now onto our chosen weekly submission.

This week we heard from a concerned partner who wrote:

Dear Penn,

My partner has been getting texts from their ex, and I’m starting to get jealous because they won’t show me what their ex is saying! What should I do?

Thanks, Concerned Lover

My answer will be shared in the next Wildcat Love, and you won’t want to miss it.